Reflections of a TROLL


Every day I drive my kids to school, I pass her. I drive by her as she stands on the sidewalk by the blinking light standard, or stop in front of her at the crosswalk, when she holds her big red hexagon on a stick, asserting her authority over strips of white paint marking a crossing on the roadway.

I consider her the TROLL. I actually say in my mind  – ‘Troll!’

As I go by, she snarls at me, wrinkles up her nasty little nose and narrows her beady little eyes while mouthing, with her misshapen lips, the words ‘SLOW DOWN’. I imagine her skunk breath, wafting like cartoon stench. I’ve checked the signs!! It’s 50k!! It’s not a school zone and I’m doing the speed limit (or less) every time!!

I know. I’ve made her out to be quite the nasty little character and in doing so I probably look like quite the nasty ass myself. Your right! Sometimes (in my mind only) I’m the stinky, intolerant ass of a troll!

But here is the other thing about me – I always strive for change. I’m uncomfortable being an intolerant rear end even if it is only in my mind. I’m disappointed in myself, when I feel that knot in my chest or my stomach, as I viscerally respond to something I do not like about someone else or their behavior.

Fortunately I have learned over many years of self-development that I am the problem. I have worked hard to become and observer of me, and therefore become an actor instead of a reactor who is constantly triggered by the reflective mirror, my fellow humans hold up for me. This is not a new concept but it is important that you know, no matter how many books we read or how much knowledge we have about the enlightened life, it only counts if we put it into practice.

     So last week, it went like this in my mind: “Debra, you are reacting to her. She is only a mirror, what do you really see?” Then I burst out laughing! I saw me! Overreacting to every car that passed, as if they were the enemy to my flock, who would need to cross this span of potential fatality. I’m that passionate, and that dramatic! I am a Leo born in the year of the Dog. I am a German Shepherd with the fierceness of a Lioness! I’m a Shepherdess! I roar loud and bite if necessary. I stand in front of the clan with my arms out saying “yea, but you have to get past me first”. I take in, adopt, follow close behind, monitor, check in on and tend to those that need care and attention. My life has largely been, and still is, about love and care and above all protection, justice and responsibility. At times I have resented my own intensity and my conscience meter because due to it my life has had many uncomfortable moments, to say the least. This is not because I am an exceptionally virtuous person; it is literally in my veins. Thank God for the Aquarians that douse enough of my fire to make me bearable!

     Was I really resenting the intensity of her care and protection? Can you imagine being irritated by such a thing? ‘Excuse me troll – I think your a troll because your love and care is to great!’ Absurd!

Because of the blessing of self-reflection, the next time I passed, I slowed way down. Not because she was right, and not because I was speeding, but only to soothe her deeply caring and passionate heart!